Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
