Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
