Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
