I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
