And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
