theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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