Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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