you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
