I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
