Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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