dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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