a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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