Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
