and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
My cat gives me a boner
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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