I met the friendliest cop last night
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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