how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
