Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He? As in you personified your dick?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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