Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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