I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
