I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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