No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
