she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
