Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
