Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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