This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
