I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
