my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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