(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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