i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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