ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
