I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
