He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
