you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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