Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I lost the right to judge tonight
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
