apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Randomize
