i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
