I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
