I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
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