you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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