You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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