her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
