did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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