I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
