i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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