well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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