I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
