bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
