She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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