She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
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I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
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I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My ass is underappreciated
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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