she looked like the before picture.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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