this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
