I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
