im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I can't put those talents on a resume
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
