We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
