There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
