Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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