Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
