i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
jump out the window naked night went bad
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